So apparently I suck as a blogger...I haven't touched this blog in 4 years. But when you become a store manager and are working 52+ hours a week, and then have a baby, and then go back to working 52+ hours a week you don't have much time for anything else. Then you nearly have an emotional breakdown and drop down to working only 15 hours a week, get used to being a mostly stay at home mom, but then due to finances you step back up to full-time....but there are so many things busting out of my brain, so i decided to go back to blogging.
Does anyone else feel like they're in a perpetual state of waiting? I mean for everything? I'm going to get really personal here and share what has been stressing me out, what is causing me to cry out to God every day going "why?!" Why can't I be pregnant right now?! Why can't we be living in a bigger house?! Why can't my husband find a better job that pays more that isn't as stressful on his back?! Why is God making us/me wait for all of this stuff?! Do you know how hard it is to be content when you feel like all you're doing is waiting? I struggle every single day with these questions. I can't say that I have found the answer, because it still hurts. Every. Single. Day.
What do I do? Well, it's a daily process. As far as the house situation goes I find ways to reorganize and get rid of excess junk so my house doesn't constantly remind me of how small it is. I try to rearrange so it looks different. It really comes down to praying really hard every time I get depressed and upset that for some reason God doesn't have us moving any time soon. Have you ever found though, that when you get depressed and upset about one thing, everything else that you're upset about rises to the surface and you end up just having a crappy day?
I am going to be super transparent here and say that the biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is the fact that for some reason, God is having me wait to have another baby. I don't understand, and some days I am very very sad, or very very mad. The biggest thing I have learned from this? (Besides the fact that I absolutely hate waiting) That every single day I have to rely on God. And guys, this isn't easy. I will be honest and say I don't do it every day. Some days I don't want to wait anymore and I choose to be miserable. Other days I'm busy, so I don't think about it that much. But little things can trigger it, so some days I have no choice but to cry out to Him, with His peace being what gets me through.
I know that sounds kind of dramatic, Honestly I try not to be a dramatic person and I tend to hold emotions into myself. Only my close friends and family usually know specific details about what is going on in my personal life. Being open is easy for me, but I've been hurt a few times from opening up to people I don't know well, so I try to be more cautious now. Sharing in my blog isn't easy. Asking for prayer and being completely transparent about my struggles isn't either.
Why am I sharing this? Honestly I believe that everything we go through in life God has a purpose for. Either to teach us something, or to teach someone else something from observing us. I want to share because as fellow believers we stand stronger together, and hopefully as I attempt to learn whatever God is trying to teach me, someone else can have hope that they aren't the only ones struggling either.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Day One......
"I am struggling to find a way to make myself attractive to You, Attractive to You. I am trying to be more deserving of the gift You gave to me, So free.
It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly and yet when You look at me You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection of something beautiful.
I am searching for the water that can wash me clean enough to earn Your love I want to stop all the things that break Your heart but come so natural to me, naturally.
It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly and yet when You look at me You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection of something beautiful.
I can't believe You could fall in love with me."
Todd Agnew "Something Beautiful"
This song really touched my heart as I worshipped this morning. Yeah, I actually felt kind of silly....there I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day, listening to my itunes playlist entitled "Worship". Funny, I've never actually listened to this song before........But there I was, listening to my music and singing along, my hands raised in the air worshipping. And it felt so good.
This morning, I didn't really want to get out of bed. That is not an uncommon feeling for me, being lazy and all that, but I was afraid.....still am afraid. I am afraid that I will turn back to my stubborn selfish self and forget about God, I'm afraid because of what this all means.....I'm afraid to totally give up......But this is day one....it's going to be hard. So I will proceed one day at a time.
It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly and yet when You look at me You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection of something beautiful.
I am searching for the water that can wash me clean enough to earn Your love I want to stop all the things that break Your heart but come so natural to me, naturally.
It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly and yet when You look at me You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection of something beautiful.
I can't believe You could fall in love with me."
Todd Agnew "Something Beautiful"
This song really touched my heart as I worshipped this morning. Yeah, I actually felt kind of silly....there I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day, listening to my itunes playlist entitled "Worship". Funny, I've never actually listened to this song before........But there I was, listening to my music and singing along, my hands raised in the air worshipping. And it felt so good.
This morning, I didn't really want to get out of bed. That is not an uncommon feeling for me, being lazy and all that, but I was afraid.....still am afraid. I am afraid that I will turn back to my stubborn selfish self and forget about God, I'm afraid because of what this all means.....I'm afraid to totally give up......But this is day one....it's going to be hard. So I will proceed one day at a time.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Wow...It's been a long time......
My life lately probably does not describe the ideal "God's Woman"......viewing me from a distance you probably wouldn't even know I consider myself to be one of His women. Life for me lately has taken on so many twists and turns, trials and conflicts I've become really good at figuring things out all by myself......until they get really bad, then it turns into desperation, calling on God to save me from said trial. But now I've become so good at living in the stress and the issues that I've ceased to even call on Him for help anymore.
To explain this I should probably give more of a back story. I've grown up in a Christian home....a very very sheltered Christian home. Looking back now, I'm glad for that, but it sure didn't help me any when I hit college....little naive me.....unknowing of the things and temptations of this world. It didn't bother me when I was growing up....I was the perfectly content little girl, (for those of you who knew me...big girl) not rebellious at all, wanting to be a part of the church my whole life, even at one point wanting to be a missionary.
Later in high-school I started to have serious doubts about my faith, wondering if God was really real, or if it was some big lie somebody made up. Usually I would worry and stress for the few minutes when something caused me to remember, but then I would shove it back down inside to worry about at a later time. Several events in high-school brought my doubts out in full force.....when close dear friends I grew up with and called brothers walked away from their faith. One friend has since told me that the Christian life was too boring. Yet once again I shoved the feelings back down inside and continued with life.
In college I met my husband......a handsome young man who had such a hot burning passion for God and how he was going to serve Him that I became more on fire for the Lord as well......and we got married in between my sophomore and junior years of college. But I soon hit a low I had never hit before when I became overwhelmed with college, a husband, work and a house that I was in charge of. How was I ever going to keep up?! I didn't and my house frequently reflected that!!!!! Thank the Lord for friends who came over and cleaned for me. God used during that time a college professor who helped me realize that I could do it, with God's help, and I righted myself got back on the path and kept up with life.
Since then I've moved three more times and find myself in Newark Valley, New York instead of Scranton, Pennsylvania. I can think back on my life in Scranton and wonder how we ever survived. I know it was God watching out for and caring for me. Did I notice back then? Yes....and I was thankful, but it only served to help me back on my feet, not truly into His arms.
About a year ago, Derek and I moved into our current location, a trailer in a trailer park in Newark Valley. Ever since we moved life has been full of more trials than I can count. Shortly after moving Derek hurt his back at work and was out of work for 3 months. God used so many people to encourage us, and pray for us, and I was thankful, but once again I just stood up and continued on...pushing away God's hands. A friend of ours from college moved in with us, we were trying to be hospitable and helpful....it turned out to be more stressful and trying than I think any of us anticipated. One by one more events have lined up...switching jobs, stressing over bills we can't pay, more roommates, way too many cats...........but still I continued on.
Church was a, we'll go if we feel like it kind of thing. Many Sundays I worked, and the ones I didn't we were so tired we just slept in. One missed Sunday turned into two, and that turned into several months. Where am I now? I feel like a little girl.....being torn in between two passions. The passion that I remember and have felt for living for the Lord, for doing His work and feeling His peace, and the passions of my flesh, for things I've struggled with all my life, and still struggle with today.
What brought me to this point? A combination of fear and hope. Being inspired by God and His love. I had a moment the other day where I seriously contemplated getting up and walking away. Walking away from God.....and from everything I've know since I was a little girl. It would be so easy. There are so many carnal things, passions of my flesh that pull me in that direction. What is keeping me? The realization that the passions of my flesh only last for so long. That the passions of my flesh will never bring me true satisfaction. The realization that the world lies, what looks so pleasing to the eye, and what the media portrays as the ideal life, the ideal marriage.....is a lie.
I don't want to live a lie.
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then the realization hits......that is what I've been doing all along. Living the lie. Pretending to be someone that I wasn't. Always trying to conform to what people like, to make people like me. Peer pressure. Even for my parents, my husband. I am not the perfect little Christian girl that I appear to be. I am NOT the goody two shoes that grew up in my parents house. I am NOT the prude that I pretend to be. In the same way I am also NOT a slut or a harlot. I am NOT a live in the moment kind of gal.......I DO love my family and my husband.
I fall right in the middle. Exactly where God wants me to be. The girl that God wants me to be. The honest one.
I AM the girl who struggles with pornography
I AM the girl who struggles with the balance between "crap" and "damnit"
I AM the girl who is open about her life, will share anything with anyone (Even when it sometimes comes back to hurt her)
I AM the messy girl, who has trouble keeping up with the laundry and the dishes
I AM the lazy girl who would rather sleep for another hour than get up and do devotions (or the laundry or the dishes)
I AM the selfish girl who begs for attention and appreciation
I AM the jealous girl who wishes her life looked like something else
But the best thing of all?
I AM the daughter of the KING! He loves me and He created me. Just like this.
So this is my confession. I am no longer willing to live a lie. To pretend that I am the perfect little Christian who goes to church reads her bible and trusts in God with all her heart. I instead am going to be the broken child who is very unperfect and sinful. Who does trust in God with all her heart, but won't pretend that it's easy for her. And will no longer pretend that she doesn't struggle with her faith, or knowing what she believes. All I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God loves me and that I want to be like Him. Yes theology and the baptist distinctives confuse me. (even after going to a bible college) But now I'm going to start over. Learn about God because I want to, not because my parents or my professor wants me to, because I want to. Am I scared? Doubtful? You bet!!!!!!!! Am I still terrified of death? (a whole other story) Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I want to do this because I think the Holy Spirit gave me a glimpse of what my "other life" could be like. And it scared me. And made me really sad. And I think He's been giving me nudges for like a week now. Have I been saved all my life? I don't know. I don't really remember saying the prayer like my parents said I did back when I was 5 or 6. But this day I will remember. This day I am forming a relationship with Christ. Not a religion. A relationship.
To explain this I should probably give more of a back story. I've grown up in a Christian home....a very very sheltered Christian home. Looking back now, I'm glad for that, but it sure didn't help me any when I hit college....little naive me.....unknowing of the things and temptations of this world. It didn't bother me when I was growing up....I was the perfectly content little girl, (for those of you who knew me...big girl) not rebellious at all, wanting to be a part of the church my whole life, even at one point wanting to be a missionary.
Later in high-school I started to have serious doubts about my faith, wondering if God was really real, or if it was some big lie somebody made up. Usually I would worry and stress for the few minutes when something caused me to remember, but then I would shove it back down inside to worry about at a later time. Several events in high-school brought my doubts out in full force.....when close dear friends I grew up with and called brothers walked away from their faith. One friend has since told me that the Christian life was too boring. Yet once again I shoved the feelings back down inside and continued with life.
In college I met my husband......a handsome young man who had such a hot burning passion for God and how he was going to serve Him that I became more on fire for the Lord as well......and we got married in between my sophomore and junior years of college. But I soon hit a low I had never hit before when I became overwhelmed with college, a husband, work and a house that I was in charge of. How was I ever going to keep up?! I didn't and my house frequently reflected that!!!!! Thank the Lord for friends who came over and cleaned for me. God used during that time a college professor who helped me realize that I could do it, with God's help, and I righted myself got back on the path and kept up with life.
Since then I've moved three more times and find myself in Newark Valley, New York instead of Scranton, Pennsylvania. I can think back on my life in Scranton and wonder how we ever survived. I know it was God watching out for and caring for me. Did I notice back then? Yes....and I was thankful, but it only served to help me back on my feet, not truly into His arms.
About a year ago, Derek and I moved into our current location, a trailer in a trailer park in Newark Valley. Ever since we moved life has been full of more trials than I can count. Shortly after moving Derek hurt his back at work and was out of work for 3 months. God used so many people to encourage us, and pray for us, and I was thankful, but once again I just stood up and continued on...pushing away God's hands. A friend of ours from college moved in with us, we were trying to be hospitable and helpful....it turned out to be more stressful and trying than I think any of us anticipated. One by one more events have lined up...switching jobs, stressing over bills we can't pay, more roommates, way too many cats...........but still I continued on.
Church was a, we'll go if we feel like it kind of thing. Many Sundays I worked, and the ones I didn't we were so tired we just slept in. One missed Sunday turned into two, and that turned into several months. Where am I now? I feel like a little girl.....being torn in between two passions. The passion that I remember and have felt for living for the Lord, for doing His work and feeling His peace, and the passions of my flesh, for things I've struggled with all my life, and still struggle with today.
What brought me to this point? A combination of fear and hope. Being inspired by God and His love. I had a moment the other day where I seriously contemplated getting up and walking away. Walking away from God.....and from everything I've know since I was a little girl. It would be so easy. There are so many carnal things, passions of my flesh that pull me in that direction. What is keeping me? The realization that the passions of my flesh only last for so long. That the passions of my flesh will never bring me true satisfaction. The realization that the world lies, what looks so pleasing to the eye, and what the media portrays as the ideal life, the ideal marriage.....is a lie.
I don't want to live a lie.
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then the realization hits......that is what I've been doing all along. Living the lie. Pretending to be someone that I wasn't. Always trying to conform to what people like, to make people like me. Peer pressure. Even for my parents, my husband. I am not the perfect little Christian girl that I appear to be. I am NOT the goody two shoes that grew up in my parents house. I am NOT the prude that I pretend to be. In the same way I am also NOT a slut or a harlot. I am NOT a live in the moment kind of gal.......I DO love my family and my husband.
I fall right in the middle. Exactly where God wants me to be. The girl that God wants me to be. The honest one.
I AM the girl who struggles with pornography
I AM the girl who struggles with the balance between "crap" and "damnit"
I AM the girl who is open about her life, will share anything with anyone (Even when it sometimes comes back to hurt her)
I AM the messy girl, who has trouble keeping up with the laundry and the dishes
I AM the lazy girl who would rather sleep for another hour than get up and do devotions (or the laundry or the dishes)
I AM the selfish girl who begs for attention and appreciation
I AM the jealous girl who wishes her life looked like something else
But the best thing of all?
I AM the daughter of the KING! He loves me and He created me. Just like this.
So this is my confession. I am no longer willing to live a lie. To pretend that I am the perfect little Christian who goes to church reads her bible and trusts in God with all her heart. I instead am going to be the broken child who is very unperfect and sinful. Who does trust in God with all her heart, but won't pretend that it's easy for her. And will no longer pretend that she doesn't struggle with her faith, or knowing what she believes. All I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God loves me and that I want to be like Him. Yes theology and the baptist distinctives confuse me. (even after going to a bible college) But now I'm going to start over. Learn about God because I want to, not because my parents or my professor wants me to, because I want to. Am I scared? Doubtful? You bet!!!!!!!! Am I still terrified of death? (a whole other story) Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I want to do this because I think the Holy Spirit gave me a glimpse of what my "other life" could be like. And it scared me. And made me really sad. And I think He's been giving me nudges for like a week now. Have I been saved all my life? I don't know. I don't really remember saying the prayer like my parents said I did back when I was 5 or 6. But this day I will remember. This day I am forming a relationship with Christ. Not a religion. A relationship.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Amazing Food!!!!!
So just recently I have become addicted to pinterest. It is so easy to become addicted to a site that puts hundreds of delicious looking recipes, or craft ideas right in front of you and says....make me!!!!!!!!!
So if my husband and I look like we've gained 20+ pounds or more.....it's probably because of pinterest.
Anyways.....I have made some of the recipes I found and I thought I should share them. I however won't be posting the whole recipe...just adding the link and adding some of my "user friendly" comments.
CROCKPOT BANANA BREAD
smashedpeasandcarrots.blogspot.com
This was good...might be awhile before I make it again...not exactly practical. It takes almost twice as long to make as just making the banana bread in the oven. But anyways, It didn't take 2 hours in my crockpot...probably could've gotten away with just over an hour.....so tip...when the edges start to get brown and they pull away from the edge of the crockpot, it's probably done....then second tip: listen to the instructions and don't remove the bread until it's completely cooled...otherwise it will fall apart!!!!!
CHUBBY HUBBY BARS
cookiesandcups.com
Oh my goodness.....these are so incredibly rich and amazing. Yes, they do require some time...but the final product, oh so worth it.
Couple of suggestions....if you can find some way to get plain caramel so you don't have to melt it...it might save you some time...especially in cleanup. HINT: caramel turns into glue if you let it sit too long before trying to wash the dish you melted the caramels in. Secondly....actually crush the pretzels. If you don't crush them a lot, they will cause the bars to really crumble when you try to eat them.
CINNAMON FRENCH TOAST BAKE
whatscookinglove.blogspot.com
No comments on this one except for the fact that these were amazing!!!!!!! I think four of us almost totally consumed an entire 13x9 pan of this. Yummy!!!!!
So if my husband and I look like we've gained 20+ pounds or more.....it's probably because of pinterest.
Anyways.....I have made some of the recipes I found and I thought I should share them. I however won't be posting the whole recipe...just adding the link and adding some of my "user friendly" comments.
CROCKPOT BANANA BREAD
smashedpeasandcarrots.blogspot.com
This was good...might be awhile before I make it again...not exactly practical. It takes almost twice as long to make as just making the banana bread in the oven. But anyways, It didn't take 2 hours in my crockpot...probably could've gotten away with just over an hour.....so tip...when the edges start to get brown and they pull away from the edge of the crockpot, it's probably done....then second tip: listen to the instructions and don't remove the bread until it's completely cooled...otherwise it will fall apart!!!!!
CHUBBY HUBBY BARS
cookiesandcups.com
Oh my goodness.....these are so incredibly rich and amazing. Yes, they do require some time...but the final product, oh so worth it.
Couple of suggestions....if you can find some way to get plain caramel so you don't have to melt it...it might save you some time...especially in cleanup. HINT: caramel turns into glue if you let it sit too long before trying to wash the dish you melted the caramels in. Secondly....actually crush the pretzels. If you don't crush them a lot, they will cause the bars to really crumble when you try to eat them.
CINNAMON FRENCH TOAST BAKE
whatscookinglove.blogspot.com
No comments on this one except for the fact that these were amazing!!!!!!! I think four of us almost totally consumed an entire 13x9 pan of this. Yummy!!!!!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Random Produce Tips from a Farmer's Market Girl
2. A cantaloupe is ripe when it has a more golden color and when it starts to smell more like a cantaloupe. Plus a cantaloupe with tighter weaving will be sweeter than one that has a more spread out weaving.
3. You can tell that a watermelon is ripe by placing a hand flat on one side and gently tapping the watermelon on the other side. The more vibrations you can feel, the riper the watermelon.
4. Applesauce is best made with a variety of apples. My favorite combination: McIntosh + Cortland + Empires. McIntosh apples provide a smooth consistency to your applesauce, and Empires provide the pink color for your applesauce. (Hint within a hint: to get the pinkest applesauce....leave the skins on when you cook your apples)
5. To keep your potatoes from turning green, store them in a dark place. Light, especially florescent lights, cause potatoes to turn green.
6. You can store apples, potatoes, squash, and several root vegetables all winter long. The secret? Store them in a cool dry place. Emphasis on dry. Be sure to check through your (insert vegetable/fruit here) to pick out any bad ones. The saying is true, one rotten apple turns the whole bunch!
7. Cheese will keep for a long time. But, whenever you take your cheese out to cut some for a party, or to shred some into your macaroni and cheese, don't handle the cheese with your bare hands. One not very well known fact...the oils on your fingers cause cheese to mold faster.
If anyone else has some produce tips, for storage or cleaning etc....let me know. =)
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
From Darkness to Light
It's amazing how God can work in your life during a Sunday morning sermon when your heart is open. I went to church this morning, determined to listen and pay attention, and God worked on my heart.
I was saved at a young age, so I didn't ever really see a difference in my life from before I was saved to after. So I continually have doubts about my faith and my salvation. All my life I heard the story about how God sent Jesus to die for me, and I know it's true, but until this morning it hasn't really meant that much to me. This morning pastor preached about darkness and all that is in the darkness. Darkness is dirty, darkness is disobedience. And the part that struck me the hardest was, Those in darkness will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. WILL NOT!!!! As much as I hate to admit this, I have participated in darkness. It's deceptive and I am a sinful person, and I have fallen for it. I do not deserve to be saved, I do not deserve God's grace. Not at all.......It totally blows my mind away that God sent his only son to die for me. TO DIE FOR ME!!!!!!!! That is so amazing. It makes me want to jump for joy and cry at the same time.
Then God has blessed me my entire life with things that I can't thank him enough for.
1. I have two amazing parents who love me and love God and love eachother. They have spent my entire 22 years teaching me and training me in the way I should go. =)
2. I have an amazing husband who loves me and loves God with all his heart, and works hard to provide for me.
3. I have a job in a Christian environment, with overtime hours that I never expected.
4. I have a best friend who encourages me and loves me and prays for me constantly.
My list could go on and on, God has just continued to bless me and even when I think I can't continue He is always there, providing for me, and leading me. I can't wait to see how He will use Derek and I in the future!!!!!
I was saved at a young age, so I didn't ever really see a difference in my life from before I was saved to after. So I continually have doubts about my faith and my salvation. All my life I heard the story about how God sent Jesus to die for me, and I know it's true, but until this morning it hasn't really meant that much to me. This morning pastor preached about darkness and all that is in the darkness. Darkness is dirty, darkness is disobedience. And the part that struck me the hardest was, Those in darkness will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. WILL NOT!!!! As much as I hate to admit this, I have participated in darkness. It's deceptive and I am a sinful person, and I have fallen for it. I do not deserve to be saved, I do not deserve God's grace. Not at all.......It totally blows my mind away that God sent his only son to die for me. TO DIE FOR ME!!!!!!!! That is so amazing. It makes me want to jump for joy and cry at the same time.
Then God has blessed me my entire life with things that I can't thank him enough for.
1. I have two amazing parents who love me and love God and love eachother. They have spent my entire 22 years teaching me and training me in the way I should go. =)
2. I have an amazing husband who loves me and loves God with all his heart, and works hard to provide for me.
3. I have a job in a Christian environment, with overtime hours that I never expected.
4. I have a best friend who encourages me and loves me and prays for me constantly.
My list could go on and on, God has just continued to bless me and even when I think I can't continue He is always there, providing for me, and leading me. I can't wait to see how He will use Derek and I in the future!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)