So apparently I suck as a blogger...I haven't touched this blog in 4 years. But when you become a store manager and are working 52+ hours a week, and then have a baby, and then go back to working 52+ hours a week you don't have much time for anything else. Then you nearly have an emotional breakdown and drop down to working only 15 hours a week, get used to being a mostly stay at home mom, but then due to finances you step back up to full-time....but there are so many things busting out of my brain, so i decided to go back to blogging.
Does anyone else feel like they're in a perpetual state of waiting? I mean for everything? I'm going to get really personal here and share what has been stressing me out, what is causing me to cry out to God every day going "why?!" Why can't I be pregnant right now?! Why can't we be living in a bigger house?! Why can't my husband find a better job that pays more that isn't as stressful on his back?! Why is God making us/me wait for all of this stuff?! Do you know how hard it is to be content when you feel like all you're doing is waiting? I struggle every single day with these questions. I can't say that I have found the answer, because it still hurts. Every. Single. Day.
What do I do? Well, it's a daily process. As far as the house situation goes I find ways to reorganize and get rid of excess junk so my house doesn't constantly remind me of how small it is. I try to rearrange so it looks different. It really comes down to praying really hard every time I get depressed and upset that for some reason God doesn't have us moving any time soon. Have you ever found though, that when you get depressed and upset about one thing, everything else that you're upset about rises to the surface and you end up just having a crappy day?
I am going to be super transparent here and say that the biggest struggle I am dealing with right now is the fact that for some reason, God is having me wait to have another baby. I don't understand, and some days I am very very sad, or very very mad. The biggest thing I have learned from this? (Besides the fact that I absolutely hate waiting) That every single day I have to rely on God. And guys, this isn't easy. I will be honest and say I don't do it every day. Some days I don't want to wait anymore and I choose to be miserable. Other days I'm busy, so I don't think about it that much. But little things can trigger it, so some days I have no choice but to cry out to Him, with His peace being what gets me through.
I know that sounds kind of dramatic, Honestly I try not to be a dramatic person and I tend to hold emotions into myself. Only my close friends and family usually know specific details about what is going on in my personal life. Being open is easy for me, but I've been hurt a few times from opening up to people I don't know well, so I try to be more cautious now. Sharing in my blog isn't easy. Asking for prayer and being completely transparent about my struggles isn't either.
Why am I sharing this? Honestly I believe that everything we go through in life God has a purpose for. Either to teach us something, or to teach someone else something from observing us. I want to share because as fellow believers we stand stronger together, and hopefully as I attempt to learn whatever God is trying to teach me, someone else can have hope that they aren't the only ones struggling either.
