Wow, it's been awhile since I've written here. I guess part of the problem would be having a broken computer. So much fills my mind tonight as I sit here, and am forced to find something to do at my parents house because the ornaments I'm making won't be done for three more hours, and the tv is playing football.
First, my life has been so full in the past couple of months. I can't explain the rush of emotions as I look back on everything that has happened. I just remember being in a place where I felt stuck...living with my parents was nice yes, because we had a roof over our heads and food to eat, but it was wreaking havoc on my relationship with Derek, causing worry about our cats that would not have homes if we couldn't have an apartment soon, and boredom for lack of anything to do besides work. All I can remember is reading in my devotional book one day and learning about living a "palms up" life. As a woman, I am extremely fond of control, and tend to dislike change when it affects me. Living with my parents I didn't have control over everything, and I was fighting God every step of the way for control of whatever I could control. Maybe I couldn't control the situation surrounding my cats but I could worry about it, and cry. I absolutely had no control over our living situation but I could complain to my husband every night...and worry and stress out during the day. I could feel sorry for myself, and tell others how horrible and full of trials my life was. Then one day I read this book for my devotions and the author started talking about living a "palms up" life. She said can you literally stand before God and hold up your palms and say "everything is yours God". This idea literally shocked me. For several days I struggled with the thought of giving up my worry and fear over things that I absolutely had to worry about. I worried that if I gave Sammi, (my cat) to God, He would take her away and give her to someone else because I was in a situation where I couldn't do anything about it. I also worried that if I gave Derek to God, He might take him away. And Derek is the best thing that has ever happened to me. <3 It took a lot of inner fighting, and actually I should correct myself...it takes a lot of inner fighting but finally I was able to literally put my palms up before Christ and give Him our situation and all my fear and worries.
Not right after that day, but not long afterwards God allowed me to find our apartment, and He allowed us to rent it and now live there. It all happened so fast when I look back on it I have to shake my head. Within the space of a couple of weeks we were all moved in and moving on with our life. Now....Derek has a full-time job, I have a job that gives me 40+ hours a week, and we have our own place. We also have Sammi, and two other little kitties that fill our house with fun. =) We have money each week to pay all of our bills, and we even have enough to buy groceries every month so that we can eat.
Why come out with this big confession today? In church this morning a woman shared with the congregation her journey of faith. How she, even when she was saved felt lost and that no one could break in to her. Now I am not saying that I struggle with depression, or that I'm doing drugs or something. But I do find myself worrying constantly. My biggest fear.....(deep breath) is of what happens after I die. I'm not afraid of actually dying, I'm afraid of Heaven. I know where I'm going, (and if you get me down that path, I still struggle constantly with doubt about my faith as well), but not being with Derek, living forever, the not knowing...it scares me to death. (ha ha comic relief). I literally get short of breath and creep out when pastors preach about it or anytime I think about it. And how many people know this? My husband. I guess my fear, the way I'm lost, is how I'm struggling to hold up my biggest fear and give it along with all my worries to Christ. And even as I write this I mentally have my hands uplifted, tears on my heart, as I today give my worries to Christ. And tomorrow as I give them again, and the day after that, and the day after that.................
