"I am struggling to find a way to make myself attractive to You, Attractive to You. I am trying to be more deserving of the gift You gave to me, So free.
It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly and yet when You look at me You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection of something beautiful.
I am searching for the water that can wash me clean enough to earn Your love I want to stop all the things that break Your heart but come so natural to me, naturally.
It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly and yet when You look at me You don't see a wretch, You see a reflection of something beautiful.
I can't believe You could fall in love with me."
Todd Agnew "Something Beautiful"
This song really touched my heart as I worshipped this morning. Yeah, I actually felt kind of silly....there I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day, listening to my itunes playlist entitled "Worship". Funny, I've never actually listened to this song before........But there I was, listening to my music and singing along, my hands raised in the air worshipping. And it felt so good.
This morning, I didn't really want to get out of bed. That is not an uncommon feeling for me, being lazy and all that, but I was afraid.....still am afraid. I am afraid that I will turn back to my stubborn selfish self and forget about God, I'm afraid because of what this all means.....I'm afraid to totally give up......But this is day one....it's going to be hard. So I will proceed one day at a time.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Wow...It's been a long time......
My life lately probably does not describe the ideal "God's Woman"......viewing me from a distance you probably wouldn't even know I consider myself to be one of His women. Life for me lately has taken on so many twists and turns, trials and conflicts I've become really good at figuring things out all by myself......until they get really bad, then it turns into desperation, calling on God to save me from said trial. But now I've become so good at living in the stress and the issues that I've ceased to even call on Him for help anymore.
To explain this I should probably give more of a back story. I've grown up in a Christian home....a very very sheltered Christian home. Looking back now, I'm glad for that, but it sure didn't help me any when I hit college....little naive me.....unknowing of the things and temptations of this world. It didn't bother me when I was growing up....I was the perfectly content little girl, (for those of you who knew me...big girl) not rebellious at all, wanting to be a part of the church my whole life, even at one point wanting to be a missionary.
Later in high-school I started to have serious doubts about my faith, wondering if God was really real, or if it was some big lie somebody made up. Usually I would worry and stress for the few minutes when something caused me to remember, but then I would shove it back down inside to worry about at a later time. Several events in high-school brought my doubts out in full force.....when close dear friends I grew up with and called brothers walked away from their faith. One friend has since told me that the Christian life was too boring. Yet once again I shoved the feelings back down inside and continued with life.
In college I met my husband......a handsome young man who had such a hot burning passion for God and how he was going to serve Him that I became more on fire for the Lord as well......and we got married in between my sophomore and junior years of college. But I soon hit a low I had never hit before when I became overwhelmed with college, a husband, work and a house that I was in charge of. How was I ever going to keep up?! I didn't and my house frequently reflected that!!!!! Thank the Lord for friends who came over and cleaned for me. God used during that time a college professor who helped me realize that I could do it, with God's help, and I righted myself got back on the path and kept up with life.
Since then I've moved three more times and find myself in Newark Valley, New York instead of Scranton, Pennsylvania. I can think back on my life in Scranton and wonder how we ever survived. I know it was God watching out for and caring for me. Did I notice back then? Yes....and I was thankful, but it only served to help me back on my feet, not truly into His arms.
About a year ago, Derek and I moved into our current location, a trailer in a trailer park in Newark Valley. Ever since we moved life has been full of more trials than I can count. Shortly after moving Derek hurt his back at work and was out of work for 3 months. God used so many people to encourage us, and pray for us, and I was thankful, but once again I just stood up and continued on...pushing away God's hands. A friend of ours from college moved in with us, we were trying to be hospitable and helpful....it turned out to be more stressful and trying than I think any of us anticipated. One by one more events have lined up...switching jobs, stressing over bills we can't pay, more roommates, way too many cats...........but still I continued on.
Church was a, we'll go if we feel like it kind of thing. Many Sundays I worked, and the ones I didn't we were so tired we just slept in. One missed Sunday turned into two, and that turned into several months. Where am I now? I feel like a little girl.....being torn in between two passions. The passion that I remember and have felt for living for the Lord, for doing His work and feeling His peace, and the passions of my flesh, for things I've struggled with all my life, and still struggle with today.
What brought me to this point? A combination of fear and hope. Being inspired by God and His love. I had a moment the other day where I seriously contemplated getting up and walking away. Walking away from God.....and from everything I've know since I was a little girl. It would be so easy. There are so many carnal things, passions of my flesh that pull me in that direction. What is keeping me? The realization that the passions of my flesh only last for so long. That the passions of my flesh will never bring me true satisfaction. The realization that the world lies, what looks so pleasing to the eye, and what the media portrays as the ideal life, the ideal marriage.....is a lie.
I don't want to live a lie.
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then the realization hits......that is what I've been doing all along. Living the lie. Pretending to be someone that I wasn't. Always trying to conform to what people like, to make people like me. Peer pressure. Even for my parents, my husband. I am not the perfect little Christian girl that I appear to be. I am NOT the goody two shoes that grew up in my parents house. I am NOT the prude that I pretend to be. In the same way I am also NOT a slut or a harlot. I am NOT a live in the moment kind of gal.......I DO love my family and my husband.
I fall right in the middle. Exactly where God wants me to be. The girl that God wants me to be. The honest one.
I AM the girl who struggles with pornography
I AM the girl who struggles with the balance between "crap" and "damnit"
I AM the girl who is open about her life, will share anything with anyone (Even when it sometimes comes back to hurt her)
I AM the messy girl, who has trouble keeping up with the laundry and the dishes
I AM the lazy girl who would rather sleep for another hour than get up and do devotions (or the laundry or the dishes)
I AM the selfish girl who begs for attention and appreciation
I AM the jealous girl who wishes her life looked like something else
But the best thing of all?
I AM the daughter of the KING! He loves me and He created me. Just like this.
So this is my confession. I am no longer willing to live a lie. To pretend that I am the perfect little Christian who goes to church reads her bible and trusts in God with all her heart. I instead am going to be the broken child who is very unperfect and sinful. Who does trust in God with all her heart, but won't pretend that it's easy for her. And will no longer pretend that she doesn't struggle with her faith, or knowing what she believes. All I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God loves me and that I want to be like Him. Yes theology and the baptist distinctives confuse me. (even after going to a bible college) But now I'm going to start over. Learn about God because I want to, not because my parents or my professor wants me to, because I want to. Am I scared? Doubtful? You bet!!!!!!!! Am I still terrified of death? (a whole other story) Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I want to do this because I think the Holy Spirit gave me a glimpse of what my "other life" could be like. And it scared me. And made me really sad. And I think He's been giving me nudges for like a week now. Have I been saved all my life? I don't know. I don't really remember saying the prayer like my parents said I did back when I was 5 or 6. But this day I will remember. This day I am forming a relationship with Christ. Not a religion. A relationship.
To explain this I should probably give more of a back story. I've grown up in a Christian home....a very very sheltered Christian home. Looking back now, I'm glad for that, but it sure didn't help me any when I hit college....little naive me.....unknowing of the things and temptations of this world. It didn't bother me when I was growing up....I was the perfectly content little girl, (for those of you who knew me...big girl) not rebellious at all, wanting to be a part of the church my whole life, even at one point wanting to be a missionary.
Later in high-school I started to have serious doubts about my faith, wondering if God was really real, or if it was some big lie somebody made up. Usually I would worry and stress for the few minutes when something caused me to remember, but then I would shove it back down inside to worry about at a later time. Several events in high-school brought my doubts out in full force.....when close dear friends I grew up with and called brothers walked away from their faith. One friend has since told me that the Christian life was too boring. Yet once again I shoved the feelings back down inside and continued with life.
In college I met my husband......a handsome young man who had such a hot burning passion for God and how he was going to serve Him that I became more on fire for the Lord as well......and we got married in between my sophomore and junior years of college. But I soon hit a low I had never hit before when I became overwhelmed with college, a husband, work and a house that I was in charge of. How was I ever going to keep up?! I didn't and my house frequently reflected that!!!!! Thank the Lord for friends who came over and cleaned for me. God used during that time a college professor who helped me realize that I could do it, with God's help, and I righted myself got back on the path and kept up with life.
Since then I've moved three more times and find myself in Newark Valley, New York instead of Scranton, Pennsylvania. I can think back on my life in Scranton and wonder how we ever survived. I know it was God watching out for and caring for me. Did I notice back then? Yes....and I was thankful, but it only served to help me back on my feet, not truly into His arms.
About a year ago, Derek and I moved into our current location, a trailer in a trailer park in Newark Valley. Ever since we moved life has been full of more trials than I can count. Shortly after moving Derek hurt his back at work and was out of work for 3 months. God used so many people to encourage us, and pray for us, and I was thankful, but once again I just stood up and continued on...pushing away God's hands. A friend of ours from college moved in with us, we were trying to be hospitable and helpful....it turned out to be more stressful and trying than I think any of us anticipated. One by one more events have lined up...switching jobs, stressing over bills we can't pay, more roommates, way too many cats...........but still I continued on.
Church was a, we'll go if we feel like it kind of thing. Many Sundays I worked, and the ones I didn't we were so tired we just slept in. One missed Sunday turned into two, and that turned into several months. Where am I now? I feel like a little girl.....being torn in between two passions. The passion that I remember and have felt for living for the Lord, for doing His work and feeling His peace, and the passions of my flesh, for things I've struggled with all my life, and still struggle with today.
What brought me to this point? A combination of fear and hope. Being inspired by God and His love. I had a moment the other day where I seriously contemplated getting up and walking away. Walking away from God.....and from everything I've know since I was a little girl. It would be so easy. There are so many carnal things, passions of my flesh that pull me in that direction. What is keeping me? The realization that the passions of my flesh only last for so long. That the passions of my flesh will never bring me true satisfaction. The realization that the world lies, what looks so pleasing to the eye, and what the media portrays as the ideal life, the ideal marriage.....is a lie.
I don't want to live a lie.
I DON'T WANT TO LIVE A LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then the realization hits......that is what I've been doing all along. Living the lie. Pretending to be someone that I wasn't. Always trying to conform to what people like, to make people like me. Peer pressure. Even for my parents, my husband. I am not the perfect little Christian girl that I appear to be. I am NOT the goody two shoes that grew up in my parents house. I am NOT the prude that I pretend to be. In the same way I am also NOT a slut or a harlot. I am NOT a live in the moment kind of gal.......I DO love my family and my husband.
I fall right in the middle. Exactly where God wants me to be. The girl that God wants me to be. The honest one.
I AM the girl who struggles with pornography
I AM the girl who struggles with the balance between "crap" and "damnit"
I AM the girl who is open about her life, will share anything with anyone (Even when it sometimes comes back to hurt her)
I AM the messy girl, who has trouble keeping up with the laundry and the dishes
I AM the lazy girl who would rather sleep for another hour than get up and do devotions (or the laundry or the dishes)
I AM the selfish girl who begs for attention and appreciation
I AM the jealous girl who wishes her life looked like something else
But the best thing of all?
I AM the daughter of the KING! He loves me and He created me. Just like this.
So this is my confession. I am no longer willing to live a lie. To pretend that I am the perfect little Christian who goes to church reads her bible and trusts in God with all her heart. I instead am going to be the broken child who is very unperfect and sinful. Who does trust in God with all her heart, but won't pretend that it's easy for her. And will no longer pretend that she doesn't struggle with her faith, or knowing what she believes. All I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God loves me and that I want to be like Him. Yes theology and the baptist distinctives confuse me. (even after going to a bible college) But now I'm going to start over. Learn about God because I want to, not because my parents or my professor wants me to, because I want to. Am I scared? Doubtful? You bet!!!!!!!! Am I still terrified of death? (a whole other story) Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I want to do this because I think the Holy Spirit gave me a glimpse of what my "other life" could be like. And it scared me. And made me really sad. And I think He's been giving me nudges for like a week now. Have I been saved all my life? I don't know. I don't really remember saying the prayer like my parents said I did back when I was 5 or 6. But this day I will remember. This day I am forming a relationship with Christ. Not a religion. A relationship.
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